I got chris browned last night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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