DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
True strength comes from lack of pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
