why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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