You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
