Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
