honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
