I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
