Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
love makes seman taste better
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
