I wish I only lived at night.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
