She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
