Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I need a burrito and a hug.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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