SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
