I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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