Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
