He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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