Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
