Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
