I heard we made out
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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