I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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