I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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