new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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