I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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