You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
