so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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