I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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