My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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