my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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