Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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