in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
