I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
