Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
