Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
