you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
