I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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