It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
