I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
