i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
