im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
