i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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