Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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