I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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