Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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