She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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