I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am spending my child support on dildos
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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