I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
