I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
