Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
