Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
