so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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