Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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