Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
