I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
