I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize