I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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