I am in a vortex of obligation.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
ttyl tear gas
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
