There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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