i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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