How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
