Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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