she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
