Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
